I Am Tired Its a Crazy World

I Am Tired

I witness a loved one’s time robbed.
I see them stripped from their prime.
I think the curse I have endured for too long.
I feel the weight
I have carried too many times.
I am of the youngest siblings still alive, yet
I am aware while this occurrence continues to slip by
I am given no notice.
YetI do not tell anyone
I wish I could trade places.
I fear they would take that out of context.
I thus stay remained in this box where
I experience guilt and torment.
I am angry with the man of cloth.
I saw him come in to my house to take a precious human life.
I wonder why he expects me to believe in him when he knows
I have heard his spin.
Nonetheless
I was told there is a rhyme a reason.
I asked him to explain.
I tell him one loss is too many.
I then suggested why not take me instead,
I do not deserve living.
In addition
I only take people for granted.
I reminded him
I have far less to live for.
I will not be missed. This is because
I am a piece of----
I suggest he took the wrong one.
I have only sin to offer.
So“Go ahead, ask my sis”, I told him, but
I doubt he even listened.

I recollect such events.
I am up with them sunrise to sunset;
I am sometimes awake dawn to dusk so little sleep I do get.
I try to sleep but dreams consume me.
I can only think about death and loss.
So
I return to thoughts-
I have rage against God
I still have anger towards the victim, but
I am not allowed to forgive.
I therefore, cannot forget.
Yet
I am left with this damn nightly, dread – how unfair.
I pray for a chance to rid all my regrets.
I wanted to join the land of the living
I then could leave the thoughts of the dead.
Hence
I found
I am forced for now to face my own demons.
I cannot ignore them.
I see them putting a toll on my present.
I consequently, stay in the past.
Accordingly
I can only share this experience with a select few.
I speak only to ones that know what
I am going through.
I found that only those people would appreciate and concur.
I am certain they would have similar feelings and pain hard to ignore.
I know this because they are the ones left
I, they are left to pick up the pieces
I, they go through this every time a loved one leaves us.

Thus
I on whim one day thought what if I dialed Him – God
I contemplated would He have an answer or a thought.
I wondered would He continue his onslaught.
I speculated what He would say, yet,
I then got scared what if He talked back
I feared what this would mean.
I mused would he suggest through rationale
I should change my thoughts and hidden immoral acts
I knew if he did I would say kiss my---
I then heard Him speak, “How one leaves us is not important”.
I said OK.
I then listened as He said “grasp their absence”.
I was told to acknowledge this new reality.
I then heard him admit his wrath as he hinted remorse would settle in eventually.
I was ordered not to take a life I did not own [as if he cared].
I was reassured that the grief stages; well, there is no norm.
I was not surprised when He uttered the words what I had was not an illness awaiting a cure.
I learned it might be years before this is all over.
Conversely
I now would like to help those few.
I have something to say for the people who wish to exonerate.
I will first tell them to get rid of all toxic thoughts.
I will empathize how difficult it is if one does not know how.
I will insist to handle the grief, stay on top.
I will propose when the news of a loved ones passing reaches us
I at first also felt weak.
I got tired
I was not strong,
I noticed others were wired
But
I did not belong.
I thought the others were wired because they had others to look after.
I did validate all reactions belong.
I suggested in such cases when a loved one has departed
I could understand what firsts reaction would be.
I then recommended a different way to look at life.
I offered, “The topic of today becomes how they will be able to mourn.”
I asked them if prayer would do any good.
I heard silence in the room.
I now understood what they were asking. They had already given up on prayers.
I deduced they were looking for another direction.
So
I then proceeded to answer my own question and
I replied as if talking to me, but spoke aloud just incase they were listening…
I exclaimed this is a crazy world what good is the Lord?
And
I, myself, after hearing His trash of gospel am only further convinced that
I possess nothing left to salvage.
I do not belong here.
I have seen too many deaths,
I still have questions unanswered.
I said, “I have seen too many people die, and you few deserve the truth.”
In addition
I told them
I have tried to find God; I talk to Him but do not hear any solutions.
I only hear the same revelations
I hear no remorse for the lives He has taken
I declared to the few, “Today is my last day for these types of conversations.”
I thanked them for listening but reminded that
I, no longer could have people count or lean on me.
I have grown tired and weary of these responsibilities
AndI can no longer take them on.
I am tired.

I am tired of being awake when others sleep.
I am tired of talking death when no one is brought back to life.
I am wired except now
I see there is no one else left to die.
I then take my thoughts to another level:
I have no one to take care of.
I surmised why I am playing this game of living
I talk but is God ever listening.
I know that when in fantasy lasting for eternity
I would have much more fun
Because I would find the change of scenery relieving
So
I finally find and take my cure for sleeping.